ASLH

07 _^• JUL _^• 2022
– EA –
“All I need to do is show up.”

In my office cubicle, where everything is patched up nice and white, I sit and ponder what happened last night in the very very dark room of Remi. To say it is mindblowing is an understatement and I cannot decide whether it is a good or a bad thing. It has left me so undone and memories of what transpired in those four walls is making me go batshit crazy.

Know your league, Julian said.

And I know it. I have accepted it. I have accepted that safe and comfortable is not meant for me. It is not meant for the likes of us and we must make sure that our inevitable yearning for vanilla and white picket fences should not consume us. We have to settle for the bare minimum – that, which is built on mutual desire and respect – to satisfy our fundamental bodily needs.

I have never been blindfolded before and allowing Remi to use his tie on me was leaps and bounds of improvement for someone like me who harbors innate distrust for anything that breathes. As for ropes, well, I did not allow any of that – yet.

They say that Remi attaches to only one at a time. They say that Remi is safe. Julian made a joke about it being innate with the guy’s half-Belgian self. Maybe he is right. But if he tops the safe list, I do not intend to find out what other types are out there. Last night, despite the tough, unmoving and imposing exterior, I learned that Remi is kind and attentive. He looks good, he smells good and he sounds even better.

My life has nothing to do with Remi and my life has nothing to do with his. Still, there is a strange sense of security in knowing that he is only a text message away. In fact, all I need to do is actually show up. He would drop anything in an instant. As much as my schedule allowed it, I would be the same. We’ve got each other’s back, in that sense.

Remi said that he is getting me a choker soon – an act of charity, probably – so I could wear it whenever I could not go and see him. It is an act of kindness, Julian said, because Remi is indeed, kind and attentive. All I can say is that money does sing enchanting melodies. I guess I will be receiving a small jewelry package from Julian and his signature shit-eating grin soon. Maybe I will wear it – maybe I will not. Remi said it is up to me.

And so I am sitting here and wondering about that night – and not about Remi, and what he is doing right now, if he is seeing other women, or if he has slept well. It is solely about how he’s made me feel, the sounds we made, and the bodily warmth we shared in the bedroom.

Reducing and elating at the same time, I’ve bound myself to Remi. I do not understand much of this concept yet, but to fall into this sort of full-time non-relationship is enough to keep me preoccupied. If it gets rid of unwelcome sentiments, then using one another may just be worth it.

Indeed, blind folds do manage a trick or two.