ASLH

Typical arrangement

I finally have the weekend off. Walking under the sun with Shu in one of the quietest days of the year, breathing in the obnoxiously humid early afternoon breeze with our dri-fits clinging to our sweaty backs – it is an experience that even this man from Hong Kong has grown to tolerate. We are at ease, despite the blaring sun burning through our hair and scalding our skin.

Still, I’ve got SPF 80 on my face and we are surrounded by the fattest stray cats I’ve ever seen. What else can I ask for?

“It’s an important decision so you have to weigh your options properly. Don’t say there are no other options to weigh,” he tells me. And when I tell him that I’ve got it all handled, he follows through with: “Groundless confidence is half a step away from endless shame.”

The guy talks like a mounted samurai, but it’s precisely the type of condescending that I welcome because I 500% respect the guy and refusing to acknowledge the fact that I am undeniably just fronting would be foolish.

Even my dog would call me out on my bullshit if he could talk.

Deep inside, it is true – I’m quite a refined brand of pathetic.

”No matter how outrageous your back and forths become, what hurts your brother the most is seeing you being unkind to yourself.”

Well, that is something I will have to realize for myself, I suppose. But my vague grumbling does not seem to reach Shu. We tredge along the remaining tract to my brother’s place in silence, his mind probably emptied to some kind of meditative state, while I mentally scramble to find the silver lining in my current stalemate with Marcus.

He has not done anything to actively hurt me, apart from his occasional snide remark whenever he would hear about my most recent visits to Remi’s place on nights when my bed is coldest – which, in retrospect, is likely something that he is unable to contain. I fully understand how intense frustration leaves our type helpless to our impulses.

My brother and I are loose cannons. It’s a common trait that runs deep and cannot be rewired. Shu knows this more than any other person in the world. He smiles through our antics. He’s got a list – a body count – of all the messengers we’ve shot. He knows where we’ve hidden all the bodies.

If I were to take advice from any person regarding my brother, there’s no better person to approach. And Shu, today, he approached me to extend some kind of olive branch, I believe.

“I suppose it’s hard for either of you to let your own emotions show through, isn’t it? It suits your nature – two blockheads. Yet, I get the feeling that I am starting to see why Remi wants you around him.”

At the lobby, a corgi passes us by (in all relevance, another predicament), but my head spins, emotions reeling at Remi wants you around him. Was it spoken in a conversation they’ve had? Was my brother in that conversation? Should I even get my hopes up? Shu has spoken the truth: My idiot brother is as strong-willed as I am. We don’t budge at gunpoint. We’d die on hills we’ve chosen – sober or not. We’re fucking mules. Stupid, stubborn, and (sort of) sterile.

“If you had met Remi before getting engaged, perhaps things might have been different between him and your brother. If it’s any consolation, I want you for Remi, and he for you. But the blessing that matters must come from other parties who heavily disapprove of your affair.”

Shu ends the topic on a painful note, but before he enters his apartment, he dangles a Dusit Gold at me. “I’ve got a room,” he says, giving any onlookers a million possible interpretations. But he goes on and says he’s leaving for Singapore and will stay there for 2 straight weeks.

Typical arrangement – I can have the place all to myself, with much emphasis on the comfort of studying alone in my favorite board room that serves plates upon plates of steak and lobster until I grow sick of it. More importantly, he assures me that the room is unused.

But of course it is. He does not need to explain anything. I know the catch. Clearly, Marcus is staying right across that room. The place is untouched. What other reason is there?

I take the card anyway, because Shu effectively manages my weakness to a fault. How could I refuse steak and lobster? So I tell him that I’m showing up for the food. What other reason is there?