ASLH

It is rather autistic of me to fall complacent in just moulding into the comforts of Remi’s bed and abandon all responsibilities for the sake of immediate gratification. But I regret nothing. It is nearly a month since we started this affair, and up to this point, everything has been within out defined limits. Apart from my self-inflicted injury, I was never hurt. I have used my safe word once, but that was only because the pleasure had been too great and I did not know what to do fucking do with myself.

Three chokers and two body chains later, my mind still manages to drift away and still think about who he truly is outside the bedroom. Shu disapproves. He says it would be better for my general well-being to look no further into the matter. He is thirty three and unmarried. Shu says that is all I need to know. And he only attaches to one and has not since he was 31. At least I will not have to worry about psychotic girl or ex-girl friends coming after me.

Most importantly, he also promises that he does not have a kid with anyone.

How are all these details supposed to discourage me from investigating even more?

Shu says that he is not interested in a relationship or ever settling down – which is his resounding disclaimer for me. But Shu thinks that I am, hence the necessary restriction.

Can I say, with full conviction, that Shu is wrong? No. Do I believe that it is in my best interest to settle for these bread crumbs? Probably. But do I accept that? Absolutely not.

I know a little bit about him now. Half Belgian. Financial shit. D&G. Amazing perfume and shoes with a capital H. I intend to find out more.

Will I ever win in this pursuit? Not likely. What is my goal? Ultimate demise.

Is this an obsession? Not likely. But “getting to know” has got to be the lamest excuse. It is clear that he knows much more about me, but he does not hide that either.

I am a mess and I need a healthier coping mechanism, he tells me. But he insists that I find that out all on my own. I feel like a charity case, sometimes. I get the impression that this is all charity work for him. For the meantime, all I need to do is show up at the front desk of Diamond and have myself ushered to his room.

All I need to do is tell Shu.

Marcus will kill me, but he knows why I have become like this. 

Let us not talk about the depressing future for now. The present matters more to me than anything. My brain is rotting from all the dopamine in my system. How long will this go on? When will I finally get the chance to stand on my own two feet and stop relying on Remi? Zec says I just need to keep getting laid until I become too sick of it. And if that is the only bond I share with Remi, then parting would not cost me a thing.

All this is so brain dead. I am a fool