ASLH

13 • JUL • 22
5:42 – EA –
“Leftovers like you.”

This is gonna be a problem. Jane and I just had a fight last night and The Enzonator is siding with her, naturally. I feel very misunderstood.

“You feel empowered because you think a high-class man like Remi is settling for leftovers like you.”

I get it. She has to believe me that I’ve thought this through, over several nights. And she is right, for the most part. I am trash – I put very little value to my person. But if sticking with this full-time non-relationship is my best shot at self-preservation at the moment, how is it the worst that could happen?

“After all the men in my life who hurt me, used me, raped me, abandoned me, or all of that, really, I cannot help how I feel.

I am lucky to be alive.

She says I’m simply rationalizing my addiction. Then she proceeds to call me a slut – among other more obscene names.

I think our friendship ended right there.

Now all I want is to find my staplers. Urges to hurt myself are back. I wanna ruin my body. Completely ruin it – not die – just fucking ruin it.

Back to rockbottom and it would probably make my mother cry. And when my brother finds out, he would definitely put me under Shu’s surveillance again. Joke’s on him. Shu’s in this, too.

What will happen to my residency training? If I expose myself, would Juno not want me anymore? He has his own woman on the side, anyway. My sense of duty to my family, my co-residents and my patients are keeping me on my feet.

I need to see Remi tonight. I asked for him again and the keycard is getting delivered to our office at 7:00 pm.

“Know your league.” I get it. It’s just that my bodily response to emotional pain is a mess.