ASLH

The concept is becoming more and more concrete in my head. I guess I just needed another night to fully acclimatize to the term the day after. It did not matter if I was at work, and it did not matter if I was around people. I could feel him. Everyfuckingwhere. On my desk, in the bacteriology section, as I was talking to our consultants, as I was interviewing interns.

Bound.

I do not even have anything on my body. Our last conversation was not even a goodbye. Our last words consisted of a date, a time and a place. And there was no walk of shame – or for my case, Grab of shame. Shu was there to pick me up first thing this morning.

It was a surprise, to say the least, because Shu is not supposed to know anything about this set up at all. And yet there he was, outside Remi’s place at the break of dawn. I did not need to ask him if Marcus knows. The guy would have stormed me in the office, if he knew. I would find out – and inevitably get roundhouse kicked in the face by my dearest brother.

This is the thing with Shu. He keeps his business to himself. I ought to learn a thing or two from this guy.

How he knew? It’s beyond me. Are he and Remi friends? I have no clue. But it’s part of the deal. I am not to find out anything about Remi, just as my life is equally off limits to him – not that he would be interested, anyway. What we share is exclusively between our bodies.

Bound.

I can hear, feel, and smell him everywhere I go. I don’t even have my choker on. The events that transpired last night were a bit too intense and I find it difficult to comprehend how any of that is considered mild.

In the right context, I think I’ll venture into asking Shu how he knows Remi. Is Shu into the same …art? Is that how they’re connected? The topic seemed too delicate to bring up on the drive home. But shit. I would go bananas if Shu does involve himself with all this. Why did I have to search high and low to find Remi if Shu had been around all this time?

Lol jk unless I truly have a death sentence.

Do I want to know what Shu is capable of? Do I wish to find out the millions of ways that my brother will murder me if I get myself involved?

Maybe Remi is the safest bet after all.

Bound.

Last night, I remember begging Remi to look at me. But he simply tied the blindfolds tighter. I did not need to see. I knew that he was not looking at me. I was not supposed to, either. Fucking was the point. Kissing was tolerated. But looking into each others eyes in the middle of it all was taboo. Eye covering was more than just to heighten sensation. It was the type of protection that held the most importance of all. It prevents attachment. It keeps you from developing a sense of fondness for your partner. It helps you remember the feeling more than the person.

I get it.

Maybe it is all for me, or maybe for him. But an agreement is an agreement and I am lucky to still have him around despite my repeated cries of please look at me‘s and please let me see you‘s.

I get it now, why Julian said that Remi is safe. He takes care of me – that despite my repeated moments of weakness, he does not budge. More importantly, he is patient. He stuck to the deal and even managed to get Shu to pick me up in the morning.

All that, and I’ve never had to use my safe word – not even once. He is attentive to my needs and my bodily responses. He just knows. And as much as curiosity kills me to want to know more about the person, nothing trumps my desire to maintain status quo.

And so I will not.

All this is very new to me. But I walked right into this damnation and it is what it is.